Inside the facade.

I am least sure of what to write and what not to. How I love the way things are going, or the way I am pretending of my happy life.

2013, and I completed my B.Tech in Civil Engineering and enrolled into a masters in Structural Engineering, yearning for what they call 'Respect'. Somehow I qualified GATE and also got myself enrolled into JEC. Little did I know of what life had in store for me.

First was the expectation of a proper course while specialization. We had a good time in the laboratory learning ANSYS, SAP etc. But that was the sole good thing about it. 

Theory classes sucked big time. The faculties tried hard to impart concepts, but majority of us were keen on one thing - Numerical questions and solving them by memorizing algorithms without giving any regard to the underlying theories. I was so irritated by this that it made me hate JEC and associated people who cram without any logic.

Next was the much awaited GATE stipend, and I was eagerly looking for it. But alas, it'd been a year, and am yet to receive a single penny from them. With restricted budget, I somehow passed the worst year of my life with no extra activities other than sleeping and occasionally visiting the gym.

I am tired of being looked down by my family and relatives. On one side they force me for higher studies, and on the other I see the disrespect for not having a job, not having practical expertise. Everyday of my life sucks. Am confined to my room for the fear of people around asking me of my plans.

Competition is tough, but am giving in my full. The lack of income is killing me from inside. I don't have the power to decide, and power as for now is a job, a source of income, a respect.

Frustration building inside of me, decaying my mind. And what can I do other than giving my best and acting numb. I don't know for how long I'd be able to carry on with this facade, a false sense of being happy and acting content around others, but whereas am burning on the inside.

I don't see the light, now all I see is a future that is slowly engulfed by darkness.